Humorous Speech Contest Entry: Heliopooling
Here is the text of the speech I gave as an entry in an Humorous Speech Contest on October 5, 2006 . I took first place. The next contest ot October 13. Wish me luck.
As a side note, "heliopooling" is a brand new word made up by yours truly.
This is a based on an aticle I wrote back in 2004:An alternative to the legacy parkway
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I would like to thank each of you. Through your generous tax donations, the pretty great state of Utah is spending a billion dollars to build the Legacy Highway. Or as I like to call it, my very own personal freeway. As a matter of fact, I was hoping they would name it "Matthew Smith's Very Own Personal Freeway" but that would be long and costly to put on the signs. I guess Legacy Highway will do.
The cool thing about my very own personal freeway it goes from my driveway right to work. It also works the other way, from work back to my own driveway. Amazing! They seem to have thought of everything,
Anyone from Davis County here? [like 3 people raise their hands]. To avoid any confusion in the event my very own personal freeway is ever completed, I hereby give each of you permission to drive on my very own personal freeway. Maybe we should work out a schedule so we can each have the freeway to ourselves. I'll take 6:15, the rest of you can work out your schedules.
How cool is it to have your very own personal freeway. I can tell you, its pretty cool. Not as cool as being the President of the United States. He doesn't even have to use freeways or roads or anything. No, he has something better. A helicopter. You have all seen it. When the president starts his commute, they land a helicopter in his back yard. He then runs out and does the "boarding helicopter wave" and takes off. I'll bet it doesn't cost 1 billion dollars for the president to commute to work.
A billion dollars. That is a lot of money. And the cost does not end there. After my very own personal freeway is complete, they need to decorate it with lots and lots of orange barrels. Then there are the snow plows to tear it up each winter and the repair crews to fix it each summer. I wonder how much the paint for all the lines costs. Thing is, all this menoy does not even get me to work everyday. I have to buy a car, feed it and maintain it. Maybe there is something better we can do with a billion dollars. Something cooler.
I say we forget about the whole freeway thing and spend the billion dollars on actually solving the real problem. The real problem is getting me to work each day. If commuting via helicopter is good enough for the President of the United States, it is good enough for me. We should use heliopooling.
Here is how heliopooling it works. We designate a heliopark. It would be like a bus stop except for helicopters. When the helicopter arrives, we all do the "boarding helicopter wave". The helicopter takes off, and a few stress free minutes later lands at work. Then in the evening the whole processes is repeated, only backwards.
There are many advantages to heliopooling. First, are the environmental aspects. Since the helicopter only takes 10 minutes or so to get to work, it will be polluting less than a car traveling 40 minutes or more. Plus, it will be taking several people who would each have driven a car, additionally saving on gas and creating less pollution. Since helicopters are cooler than buses, more people would be inclined to leave their gas-guzzling, air-polluting SUVs at home, reducing pollution and saving on gas. If you don't need to build the freeway, all the wet lands and farms lands can be left quiet and undisturbed.
Not only are there environmental advantages, but economic as well. People who heliopool to work are going to need new products and services. For example, the executives are going to want to purchase golden parachutes, just in case. While people are waiting for helicopters, they are going to want to eat breakfast or have a nice warm drink. Think of all the new McDonalds we could have at each of the helioparks. Helicopters can be very loud and windy, so the ladies will want to have fashionable ear accessories that keep the ears warm, integrate with an iPod and protect hearing from the noise of the helicopter. The ladies will also need some sort of strap to prevent their skirts from flying up over their heads.
There are also tangible tax benefits. If the state doesn't need to build more freeways, it can spend tax money on more important things: like education or a legislative task force to raise health care costs by splitting up IHC. Pete Ashdown is running for senate against some guy who has been in there a long, long, long time. I have sent him my idea for heliopooling. He hasn't gotten back to me on it, but I am sure he is giving it all the consideration it is due.
In addition to the environmental, economic and tax benefits, there is another benefit. Just image the looks on all your co-workers faces, after they have sat in traffic forever, when they see a helicopter land and out you get. Be sure and do the "deboarding helicopter wave": Riding in helicopters is cool. Riding in buses is not. Coolness is of course a strong motivator. People will do all sorts of silly, unpleasant things in the name of coolness. Why not do something that brings such economic and environmental benefits to the pretty great state of Utah.
Who pays for all this? The pretty great state of Utah, of course. They are already committed to spending a billion dollars, plus orange barrels and upkeep, on getting me to work each day. Why not spend less money and get me to work in style. I would like to be cool for a change. That would indeed make Utah a pretty great state.
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posted by Matthew O. Smith @ 7:49 AM
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