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The Onion
The Onion
There is a lot more to ogres than people think.
Examle?
Example ...Ogres are like onions
They stink?
No!!
They make you cry?
No!!!
You mean in the sun they get all brown and sprout little white hairs?
No,Layers! Onions have layers, ogres have layers. Onions have layers. you get it, we both have layers.
Oh layers, not everyone like onions.
Cake has layers, everyone likes cake.
Ogres are NOT like cakes, they are like onions.
Conversations have layers too. Sometimes a conversation can be like a
cake, sometimes it can be more onion like.
1 - Small Talk
The first layer of our conversation cake is "small talk". Small talk
is the superficial and meaningless stuff at a beginning of a
conversation. Stuff like:
* Nice weather
* Sure is cold today
* How about those Jazz?
* How are you? to which there is only one valid response: ok.
* Did you see survivor last night?
* 11 minutes late, banana truck overturned on the freeway.
You get the idea. Being the software engineer that I am, I have a
real problem with small talk. I can tell its cold without you stating
the obvious. The Jazz are a bunch of overpaid whiners. I dislike
survivor and so no I did not see it and don't wish to talk about it.
Alright, a banana truck overturned on the freeway is interesting.
As obvious and shallow as it is, small talk is an important part of a
conversation. It gives each of you a chance to "size up" each other.
You don't really share anything personal with the person at this
point. The point to to find common ground to head to the next layers
of the conversation.
2 - Fact Disclosure
Which brings us to the second layer of our conversation cake, fact
disclosure. Say, that during the "small talk" you ask "How about
those Jazz?" and the person responds with "Quite the game". You may
have found common ground to build the conversation on. Continuing
with "I only saw the first half" moves the conversation to layer two:
fact disclosure.
In this layer, we disclose facts about ourselves, just not personal
facts. With "I only saw the first half", you share the fact that you
are inerested in he Jazz. There is nothing personal about watching a
Jazz game. Its a impersonal fact. If the person you told this to
were to share it with others you would not care.
3 - Viewpoints and Opinions
Once we've dicussed facts, and we still have warm fuzzy about the
other person, we can procede to layer three of the conversation cake:
Viewpoints and Opinions. We still feel good about the conversation so
we share our opinions. Something like "Karl Malone wan't as great as
all the whining he did, don't you think?". Now you have moved beyond
the realm of fact into the world of opinion. There is enough trust
now to feel that your opinions are safe with the other person.
On the otherhand, the other person feels they know you well enough to
respond appropriately to the opinions and to express their own
opinions.
At the beginning of this presentation I started by expressing some
strong opinions without having given you time to feel comfortable
enough with me to know how to response. That is why it is so
important to not skip the layers of small talk and fact disclosure if
were going to have a cake-like conversation instead of a onion one.
4 - Personal Feelings
We've expressed our opinions now and we are still chatting, so now
might be a good a time to go to the last layer of our conversation
cake: personal feelings. Personal feelings include things like your
hopes and dreams, troubles at work or at home, concern for your
family.
It is not necessary to reach layer 4 to have a successful
conversation. You probably aren't going to meet a person in an
elevator, start talking about the Jazz and end up talking about the
fight you had with your wife. But you never know.
5 - Ask Open Ended questions
We now know the 4 layers of our conversation cake: Small Talk, Fact
Disclosure, Viewpoints and Opinions, Personal Feelings. But wait,
where's the frosting? How do we hold all these layers together? The
fosting of our conversation cake is to ask open ended questions. If
you really want to have a successful conversation, avoid asking "yes
or no" type questions.
Open ended questions often start with HOW, WHAT and WHY. Compare "Did
you see the Jazz game last night?" to "How about those Jazz?" the
first is simply a yes or no question. It gives now opportunity to
talk about the game. On the otherhand, an open-ended question like
"How about those Jazz" allows for a wide array answers. By asking
open ended questions, you show you are listening and really want to
hear what they want to say.
Elevator demo
