The most interesting thing of the moment: 3/5/06

Saturday, March 11, 2006

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How to identify an enemy from a distance

My most recent speech was given on Thursday. It was given at Toastmasters and is the second project from the Professional Speaker series. The topic was "Speaking to Entertain". The final draft of the speech is given below.

The speech went very well. People really liked the Darwin Award stories. There was some good laughter throughout.

Two things: Dell Shanze is not as funny as I had thought. Also, I needed to tie the conclusion to the opening better. The point was to build myself up as a non-threat in the beginning and then end with me being a vicious demon. People felt confused at this. When I show my own picture again at the end I should have said something like:

Look at that nice guy of average appearance. Hard to believe he would have a little mosquito. But I know better. You would not believe the terrible brutality that this man is capable of .....

That would have tied the beginning in to the ending better. Do you agree?

Nice Guy

I am the original “nice guy”. You know, the one that always finishes last. You may not believe it. No, you might think of me as a macho powerhouse of manliness; a prime specimen of the male gender; a force to be reckoned with. You might think that, and it would be little wonder if you did. Notwithstanding, I have conclusive evidence to the contrary, even evidence that has been duly signed and certified, evidence that will prove beyond the merest inkling of a hint of a shadow of a doubt that I am indeed a nice guy. Indeed, a preeminent example of finishing last. Behold, last place!

[Show 3rd place toastmaster certificate]

Standard of Average

Not only am I nice guy, I am average. I am amazingly average, unbelievably average, stupifyingly average. I embody the very essence of averageness. Truth be told I am the “standard of average”, I am the standard to which all other medians, means, norms, standards and all other types averages are compared.

I am paid based on industry average. I am precisely the average age, height, and weight for an average man of my size and years, when measured at standard temperature and pressure, of course. I have the average number of spouses, the average number of children, the average number of pets. Indeed, my pet an average pet.

Have you ever wondered where all those government statistics on averages and standards come from? You have all heard them. “The avenge American eats so much ice cream”, “The average American excesize so many minutes a day” or “The average American has would rather die than give a speech in public”. Does the government of the United States of America really spend boatloads of money determining the average number of pets a family has or the average number of husbands a woman has? No, of course not. That would be silly, silly in the Olympic sense of the word.

The truth is that there is a little known branch of the General Accounting Office called the Department for Demographical Medians, Means, Norms Standards and Averages whose sole purpose it is to find the most average of the average Joes. Then, when every there is a statistical question that needs to be answered, they contact this person who is the standard of average.

These are very kind government officials. All of whom are completely above average. Sometimes they just call on the phone “Please measure how tall your dog is” or “Tell me your shoe size” . Being a patriotic citizen, I do my best to comply. Sometimes they even drop by for dinner, like the time they wanted to know what the average American cooks on the BBQ. Turns out that we were having hot dogs that day. So now it’s a well known fact that Americans cook hot dogs on their grill, on average that is.

[Picture of a Belle Curve]

You have all seen a Bell Curve. It uses standard deviation to esitmate population distributions. But have you looked really close?

[Zoom in]

No, I mean really close.

[Zoom in again]

No, I mean so close that your nose is touching the paper

[Zoom]

So close that you would need a magnifying glass to see it

[picture of me in the line at the center of the bellle curve]

There, can you see it now? There I am at the very top dead center of average. No deviation in the slightest. As a matter of fact there is currently a bill in congress to change the saying from Average Joe to Average Matt just for consistency’s and simplicity’s sake.

My Enemy

I have a secret. I have ..... an enemy. I know, I know, I can’t hardly even believe it myself. Such a nice guy as me has an enemy? Preposterous you say. A guy who is so average that he make everyone else look good by comparison has someone trying to destroy him? Unheard of! I am forced to agree with you. As hard as it is to believe its still true. I have one enemy and here he is:

[Picture of Dell Schanze]

Isn’t he a hideous .... no wait, that’s not my enemy at all. That is Super Dell Schanze. You all know SUPERDELL, the Totally Awesome Computers guy. Yeah that’s the one. That reminds me of something I saw recently in the newspaper about Super Dell. Seems he has an enemy too.

In a new conference about the closing of Totally Awesome Computers, he is quoted as saying: “It's too bad that all of the media in Utah are liars and murderers. You just destroyed the greatest computer company of all time. We were the best in the world, the world champion. All this hatred was created by you. You're basically angels of Satan. All I can say to the people in Utah is, please pray for all the news people.”

Of course it couldn’t have anything to do with "a steady decline in sales since 2001," and "during the last year their sales have been 40 percent to 50 percent down over the same month in the prior year." An anonymous e-mail attributed the declining business to Schanze's "media stunts" and allegations related to the incident in Draper in 2005. Schanze is charged with three misdemeanors: making threats with a dangerous weapon in a fight, which is a Class A misdemeanor, and the Class B misdemeanors of reckless driving and making written false statements.

Some people are there own worst enemy. No matter who you blame, it’s the guy waving the gun and the guy flapping your jaw that is really getting you into trouble. Dell is not my enemy. Seems like he is hurting Dell Schanze though.

Darwin

Ok, enough Super Dell. Back to my very own personal foe.

[picture of darwin's head on an ape]

Isn’t he a hideous .... No, Charles Darwin is not my enemy. He is the guy that Darwinism is named after. Wouldn’t that be cool, your very own -ism. I wonder what Smithism would be.
Smithism? Smithiiiiiism SmithISM. Nope, Smith doesn’t sound right as an ism. You need a non-average name before you make an ism out of it. Maybe next life.

Not only does Charles Darwin get an ism, he also has an annual award named after him, the lucky dog.. The annual Darwin Awards were named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution. The Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.

One person on the Honorable Mention list is Larry Walters of Los Angeles. Larry is one of the few to contend for the Darwin Awards and live to tell the tale. "I have fulfilled my 20-year dream," said Walters, a former truck driver for a company that makes TV commercials. "I'm staying on the ground. I've proved the thing works."

Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. But fates conspired to keep him from his dream. He joined the Air Force, but his poor eyesight disqualified him from the job of pilot. After he was discharged from the military, he sat in his backyard watching jets fly overhead.

He hatched his weather balloon scheme while sitting outside in his "extremely comfortable" Sears lawnchair. He purchased 45 weather balloons from an Army-Navy surplus store, tied them to his tethered lawnchair dubbed the Inspiration I, and filled the 4' diameter balloons with helium. Then he strapped himself into his lawnchair with some sandwiches, Miller Lite, and a pellet gun. He figured he would pop a few of the many balloons when it was time to descend.

Larry's plan was to sever the anchor and lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard, where he would enjoy a few hours of flight before coming back down. But things didn't work out quite as Larry planned.

When his friends cut the cord anchoring the lawnchair to his Jeep, he did not float lazily up to 30 feet. Instead, he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon, pulled by the lift of 42 helium balloons holding 33 cubic feet of helium each. He didn't level off at 100 feet, nor did he level off at 1000 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 16,000 feet.

At that height he felt he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting cold and frightened with his beer and sandwiches, for more than 14 hours. He crossed the primary approach corridor of LAX, where Trans World Airlines and Delta Airlines pilots radioed in reports of the strange sight.

Eventually he gathered the nerve to shoot a few balloons, and slowly descended. The hanging tethers tangled and caught in a power line, blacking out a Long Beach neighborhood for 20 minutes. Larry climbed to safety, where he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked him why he had done it. Larry replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

The Federal Aviation Administration was not amused. Safety Inspector Neal Savoy said, "We know he broke some part of the Federal Aviation Act, and as soon as we decide which part it is, a charge will be filed."

I think Larry has an enemy as well.

Consider: Phoenix Field airport in Fair Oaks had been subject to recurring petty thefts from neighborhood teenagers, so a security firm was retained to patrol the grounds. Thefts decreased sharply, but fuel consumption was on the rise. This puzzling situation continued until late one night, when a passerby noticed a flaming airplane on the field.

By the time the fire department arrived, the plane had completely melted into the tarmac. While they extinguished the residual flames, the passerby noticed a uniformed figure lying facedown several yards away. It was a security guard!

He was revived and questioned.

Turns out he had been siphoning fuel from small planes to use in his car. The plane he selected that night had a unique fuel storage system involving hollow, baffled wing spars. When the determined guard shoved the siphon in, it stubbed against the first baffle. No matter how he twisted, pushed, and pulled the hose, he could not siphon any fuel from the plane.

Exasperated, he lit a match to see inside the tank... and the rest is history.

Two shining examples of people who are working for their own self destruction. Often, to be this self destructive, prodigious quantities of alcohol are required. However, some people are able to seek their our demise with out the help of drinking spirits.

Which brings us back to our most important topic: me.

[profile show of me]

There he is, my most hideous enemy. Just look at him. Just look at how evil is reflected off a sloping forehead that is no longer hidden by the receding hairline, the dark light that shines from those beady eyes, the cruel way those ears hang off the sides of his head, the mischievous bent to the nose, that cursed chin and oh, the malevolent smile.

Each day this fiend hides in the mirror to haunt me and to taunt me. Every day he seeks ways to make me be miserable. When I would have a nice salad he makes me eat chocolate and french fries. When I would exercise, he tells me that its way to much work; tomorrow would be a much better day to work out.. When I would learn, he makes me watch TV and sucks my brains out of my head through my very own eyeballs.

Why does this demon hate me so? He looks like such a nice guy, just an average joe. I do not know what I could have ever done to make him treat me like this. But I’ll show him. I can beat him at his own game. I can eat good food and I can like it to. I can have fun exersizing, I’ll even drag that no-good nay-sayer along with. I can still read, I think. YES! I can overcome the torments of my own personal dictator. And I will start .... tomorrow.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Free 4 GB iPod nano

At Freepay you can get an iPod Nano for Free. The deal is you have to sign up for some offer and then refer 5 other people to sign up under you. Its not that hard and it really works.

How Do I Teach Online? - UniversalClass

How Do I Teach Online? - UniversalClass: "Are you an expert in something? Are you interested in sharing your knowledge with other people? Would you like to be a mentor to students around the world who share your interests? And would you like to get paid to do all this conveniently from your home computer? "

LibriVox

LibriVox: "LibriVox: free audiobooks

LibriVox volunteers record chapters of books in the public domain, and then we release the audio files back onto the net (podcast and catalog). Our objective is to make all books in the public domain available, for free, in audio format on the internet. We are a totally volunteer, open source, free content, public domain project."

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Deal for new members of Shutterfly

Personalized Photo Gifts - Digital Photo Mug, Mouse pad, T-shirt, and more

13 Rules for a happy life

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.